Adversity + Week 1

How do we handle being wrong? How do we handle messing up? How do we handle not getting what we want? I understand it sounds childish and these issues may also seem immature but they are something that plagues me and if I had to guess others. 

Human beings are natural planners, they have exact ways that they want things to go, even if they know 9 times out of 10 nothing is going to go to plan. This idea of a plan results in hope, hoping for one thing to another, hoping the results and the future looks how you want it too. BUT, it doesn't always turnout that way. It doesn't always end in a happy ending. This leads to disappointment.

How human beings respond to disappointment can be different in every situation. But no matter how big or the small it sucks, and it leaves a mark moving forward. You are always told learn from mistakes, learn from disappointment, but it doesn't make the pain in the moment any easier. Perhaps you do learn and grow and go on to be better after the past, there is still a wake left, one that unless you have a time machine you can not control or fix. 

On the field this week we were dominated, on the offense side of the ball. Self inflicted wounds made even our smallest success on the field look bleak. We just could not get it going, as the quarterback it starts with me, I made poor decisions in my first start in 5 years, I got lost in the game. Instead of rising to the opportunity presented in front of me I was almost more swallowed by it. I made mistakes I haven't made since high school, things that hadn't presented themselves in practice for years. But it happened, and all I can do is respond and learn, and heal. 

I am pretty beat up, I took an estimation of about 15 hits on Saturday some of them I could have avoided myself, some of them were unavoidable. So with some bruised ribs, and a right hip thats purple and the size of a baseball my body has to recover. 

I also have to recover emotionally, it's been a long couple of weeks, the stresses and the ups and downs of being a college athlete can weigh on you. Add that to mistakes I have personally made and you have the perfect storm someone does not need going in the situations I am in. 

How will I respond to the adversity that life is throwing at me now. I don't truly know. 

I am trying! But I understand it is an uphill battle, and I have to face it the best way I know how, and learn and grow from some of the toughest weeks of my life. 

My Escape + Pre-Season

 I am very bad at emotions, feelings, any source of humanity I struggle with. 

The one place I have always been OK at it is in my writing. Sometimes that means my texts are better than my ability to talk and communicate, sometimes that means a blog post is my way to express what's inside. (I understand this isn't healthy and I need to get better at handling my emotions and feelings, in general, I need to mature in that side of life).

I had been wrestling with writing for a while, it's crazy but in a summer that seemed more low-key than most, I was almost busier. But I always knew I would come back to writing. 

I spent the summer "living the dream" I worked in our football offices and then was blessed to go back to Orlando, Florida for almost a month and work with some amazing people at AAU putting on their volleyball national championships. Followed that with a trip to Disney and It seemed like I had figured a lot of things out.

I was wrong, I was acting, and I am probably more lost and confused trying to figure things out now than I have been ever before but I am 23, I don't have all the answers. I am still learning and growing and most importantly making mistakes. I heard recently a quote from Kobe Bryant, "the story goes on" Kobe Bryant said that when talking about failure and how no matter the result, the consequence, it's never really a failure because "the story goes on".

I had different ideas on what I would write about, I am a bit of a scatterbrain while also being bi-polar. But one idea I kept coming back to was my most vulnerable idea. Opening my mind and soul to people as I enter a very different fall than my past 4. I am going to write every week this semester, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, the football, the not football and give an insight into my mind as I finish my career, and my education at Ohio Northern. 

As I enter this fall, I am the starting Quarterback at Ohio Northern University. An old man, team grandpa,  a 5th-year senior, and the Quarterback at this amazing university I have called home for the past 4 years. Now did it happen as I dreamed it would ABSOLUTELY not. Injuries, lost competitions, lost games, lost people. It reminds me of something my dad always used to say, "you go to college almost more so to learn about yourself and learn who you want to be than the material you learn about in the classes". I have to learn now who I really am, and who have I become over the past 4 years. 

This pre-season has been different from my past in that for the first time, I am looked at as the starting quarterback to go along with being voted a team captain for this final year in Ada. The expectation is that I am the person that leads the offense and the team. Rightly or wrongly the quarterback receives a lot of the credit and often a lot of the blame in the game of football. The team game of football. I love this team, and this pre-season has solidified that I made the right decision returning to ONU. This group of guys is special and I love each and every one of them. 

Throughout camp our coaching staff does as much as it can to build a team and family of the 150+ guys we enter the season with, it is the job of the seniors and the leaders of this team to bring it all together. It can be anything from team bonding meetings, to speakers, to movie nights, anything to bring the team together. I was asked a couple of key questions through camp, questions, and advice to give to the freshman. 

Q1: What is something you wish you knew as a freshman? (this applies to almost everything in life though)

A1: There will be good days and bad, and that is okay, there will be ups and downs, it is a part of life. 

Q2: What is your advice to freshmen?

A2: Enjoy every little moment, live in the present, because you don't know when it will be over, and the good times will be all the times when you look back at them with memories. 

I somewhat surprised myself with the answers, I seemed so wise and thought out, so put together. It is what I genuinely wish I had known, but there is still so much for me to know. I may be the oldest player on the team, but I am far far far from having all the answers for my teammates. 

There have been good days and bad days on the field, probably more good than bad, but it is closer in number than it should be. I have to work on that because as a leader my attitude drives more than I am even aware of. I have to be the best I can be so others push themselves to be the best they can be. 

Off the field, as we enter the first week of the real season I am doing everything in my power to keep everything the same. I have to handle this week just like it's any other week, but it's not really, is it? It will be my first collegiate start, and that's the reason I came back, well one of them at least, to compete and play and help this team win football games. I am nervous, I know I am surrounded by great people, coaches, teammates, and supporters that will prepare me and help me be successful but that does change the fact that I will be nervous and that is okay. 

I am also still in college, I think a lot of people in the world forget that on the bigger stage. Those athletes wearing your alma maters uniforms on Saturdays are still that, college kids. They have other things in their lives going on. I understand that maybe they are being given A LOT by a university to perform and compete but perhaps understand they are still college students. They have classes, they have social lives, they have families, they are not robots, and they are not perfect. 

Remaining in college as a 23 year old, after most of the class you entered school with has graduated is an interesting feeling in all honesty it is a lonely one. The campus in which you were surrounded by "your people" now feels like a pit stop before you drive off into the real world. 

I only have one class this fall so the distractions at my disposal educationally are quite limited. But I can still make distractions and mistakes, and I have. 

I have made decisions that hurt the people I care or say I care the most about and to her I say I am sorry. But I have to live and learn from those consequences and outcomes. I have pushed away people that only wanted to be there and support me, and I ran away because that was easier than me opening up to someone. 

I have always kept up an image since attending college. The image that a lot of people in the world want others to see them as, being perfect. What makes it even funnier or ironic (still not 100% on the definition of ironic) is I make fun of those people, the ones posting on Instagram their perfect lives, and relationships all the things they have going on. But the truth is I quietly was trying to be perceived as that person too. But no one is perfect (yes I know that sounds cheesy). The image of having everything put together, the image of being the tough athlete, the image of the stereotypical guy, all of it I allowed to become a part of me, and I allowed my pride and stubbornness (one of my strongest attributes) to get in the way of a lot of growth I could have had in being myself. 

Perhaps this can be my start, this writing, the wins, and losses, lessons learned and success stories found. Hopefully, I can take all I have truly learned about myself throughout my college years, put it all together and be the best me I can be. 

The Good Ole Days

 You hear it time and time again. 

"These are the best days of your life"

"You will blink and it will be over"

"These are the days you will miss" 

"You can't get the time back"

The cliches are endless. 

I will be the first to admit I am not great at emotions or sharing my feelings. I tend to try and avoid them, and while I have gotten better at them I am nowhere near an open book. However, at times my ability to open up and share is through writing, it is my outlet. 

Four years ago on a Monday night in late February, I made the greatest decision of my life, with the help of family and friends. I became a polar bear, I decided to call Ada, Ohio my home for the next four years. (I have now been able to stretch it to five) I knew I was making a good decision academically, I felt strong about the athletics, but not even I could have predicted how amazing a decision it would be. 

The athletics, the academics they are great, but they fall flat in comparison to the people the village of Ada has blessed me with. I have been given the most amazing people that I know will be with me for the rest of my life.

As the time winds down, I know that my time in Ada and the people I have been surrounded with for the past four years is coming to a close. And only one emotion comes to mind, Love. 

I love this place, I love these people. Ada provided me with the most amazing college experience imaginable and with everything I have been through the ups and downs I would make the same decision time and time again. 

I will never be able to express how much MY people mean to me. They know who they are. They know the impact they have had on me, and if they don't, this is their post. Their appreciation post. 

I have grown so much over the past four years and it is because of the support system and love I am surrounded by day in and day out. 

I have brothers for the rest of my life, football, soccer, and tennis players plus countless others that will always be down to steal a street sign, drink beer in a blizzard, or give me a hug when I lose a high school football coach. 

I have sisters for the rest of my life, basketball, softball, and volleyball players both active and retired that will always be there to listen till 4am, get a SODA from McDonald's, or take an ice cream trip. 

I have my people. I have a home that will never go anywhere because it is my people. They will never know everything they have done for me because I am still learning to share those emotions but I do know one word, Love. 

I love you all, my brothers and sisters for life that no matter where we go, we will be there for each other. 

For me art is an amazing expression of emotion, specifically, I have fallen in love with tattoos, especially ones that tell a story. 

And for those of you that may not be up to date on my human canvas status, I now have two that express my story of home, and the importance of the people I have met in every stop I have made. 

One that I received today with four of my brothers that will be with me till the day that I die.

6*1*5 (Our address here in Ada, Ohio for the past year) 

VI-Six brothers

I- One House

V- Five guys to be there for it all

My other tattoo that I received a little while back expresses the journey I have been on and how I will carry it in every step I take moving forward. I have been blessed to live in a lot of amazing places, with amazing communities and support systems, filled with Love. Communities that I will never take for granted with people that have made me, me. I will carry them with me, forever and all the lessons they have taught me, with all the love they have given me. 

The Epilogue: A Victory Lap

No regrets, live your life how you want to. In my other post I mentioned I knew I would change my mind, here is that change.

Only you can make your decisions, so be confident in your decisiveness. 

The world we live in nowadays drops a lot of rules on you. While these rules may not be written in stone, they are expectations. The societal norms. Certain expectations, pressures society has chosen to be acceptable. Even worse challenging society has become less and less acceptable. While everyone in society wants to share what they feel your should do.

Think about all the times in your life when you have done something because you HAD TO. Did you really? 

I had to go to school, I had to get good grades, I had to work, I had to make money, I had to take that job, I had to be friends with this person. HAD TO is a very common phrase in society today. You haven't had to do shit. 

You have chosen to do it, but why? What drives you or drags you through your day-to-day. It can be a multitude of emotions, and truly only you will ever know them. But perhaps what none of us want to talk about is the possibility of fear, fear can account for and impact a lot of things, in many different directions, you can be afraid of ANYTHING! Conflict, disappointment, change, fear can result in so many things that impact our day-to-day lives and decisions.

Personally, I have realized I have allowed fear to impact me, and as someone who thrives on their perception of confidence, that is hard to admit.

Confrontation is possibly one of the greatest most under-appreciated aspects of life. GREAT THINGS COME FROM CONFLICT. But there seems to now be a fear of disagreement, a fear of conflict, fear of challenges. All of this with the inability to disagree or have conflict but maintain a sense of respect for someone's opinion or decision. 

Good lord do I love conflict, I will conflict with anyone and anything, it is part of my foundation if I believe in something, I will go down throwing punches for it. Who cares what is acceptable about that, very few productive things have taken place in the world because someone immediately said yes. 

It is however risky and scary, you are putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, by being challenging. Being willing to do it does not guarantee success. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. But maybe that is what makes it all worth it, the reward that follows a risk. The challenge that you put upon yourself. 

I am 22 years old and a senior in college...

SOCIETY HAS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT ME LET ME TELL YOU. It is February 20th as I write you this. I am expected to be landing a full-time job, be deciding where I want to live for the early portions of my adult and "real world life". I am supposed to be finding financial security, being smart. Taking my degree and finding support and creating a career path, ALL OF IT. 

Pardon my language here but FUCK THAT. 

I will never do that. What is the point of that life? Where is the passion, the drive, the love of life, the risk? I do know what I want to do with my life, I want to have a lasting POSITIVE impact on the people I am blessed with in my life. 

The impact that so many people have had on me. I believe that the best way to do that is through coaching, and over the past few months, I have begun that journey. Resulting in some of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my life. 

But to graduate in 4 years and start my collegiate coaching career would be pretty much following the rules.

...Would there be an OUNCE of regret? Leaving perhaps the only positive thing to come out of COVID-19 on the table?... 

Due to COVID-19 collegiate athletes received a blanket waiver for the 2020-2021 NCAA season, by rule not costing athletes a year of eligibility.

Everything I wrote in my previous post is true, I look back on the past 4 years and only one word comes to mind, thankful. I have grown in ways I never imagined, I have proven things to myself I never even thought possible. But I still have things to prove, I still have an impact to make, on a community, and team that I love.

I can play one more year of the sport I love, in the village that I love, surrounded by my teammates, coaching staff, and community that I love, at the university that I love and that has helped make me who I am today.  The "real world" can wait, society can wait, normal is boring, normal is easy. 

I have an opportunity to finish what I started, to reach the lofty goals I set for myself long ago, and do it while also growing for that next chapter of my life. I will never be able to express the extent of my gratitude to Ohio Northern, the coaches that have believed in me throughout my career, and the teammates and friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. For all that they have provided for me. But I can try. 

So I will be playing my final year of eligibility at Ohio Northern University, and I will also be working tirelessly this summer and into the season gaining experiences in college coaching. 

Forever and Always. Go. Bears. 

The End: Not Just of a Chapter but of a Book

It has come to an end. I am writing this almost as a commitment to myself because knowing myself, and my self-diagnosed bipolar tendencies I will most definitely second guess my decision, and attempt to change my mind. It is November 8th, 2021 as I write you this... 

Spoiler alert...I did. 

17 Years roughly I have been involved with the game of football, my mother's claim to fame however is that it is 22 years after I attended my first football game at the ripe old age of 3 months. Football has changed my life, it has shaped me into who I am, it has impacted me, but there is more to me than football. 

There is more to me than what was the stereotypical high-school quarterback, or now a collegiate athlete. Even though at times I let those around me think that those titles define me. I know there always has been and always will be more to me. 

From the Westchase Colts, to the Berkeley Buccaneers, on to the Cranbrook Cranes, and now the Ohio Northern Polar Bears, I have played for a wide array of coaches, and programs. Institutions that my priorities did and did not align with. All of this has shaped my career, my thoughts, and my mindset moving forward. I have had coaches that changed my life, and I have had coaches that just let years go by. I have played for institutions that believed in and supported athletics, I have played for institutions that probably would wish them away. 

I am thankful for all of it. 

In the end, I never did obtain many of the lofty goals I set for myself. This is not to begin a pity party for myself but instead the beginning of a bittersweet reflection. But one that is not the end.

"What's meant to be, will be" a saying that I have worked to live by for quite some time now sits at the top of my head because while it's meant to be, it does not mean you have to like it. It also does not mean you can't influence it. However, I am thankful for it. 

They say you get what you put in. You must make sacrifices to be successful in all aspects of life. I never made the biggest ones necessary. Perhaps I still haven't, I am working on it.

I dreamed of winning a state title in high school, and I worked hard, but I never did enough to make that a reality. I didn't make those sacrifices necessary. I was the hardest working Quarterback in our league, as well as our district, we won both of those, but in the state, I was not. I am, however, thankful.

I wanted to play division 1 college football. To reach that goal you have to be one of the best 400ish quarterbacks in the country (that may be being generous) or know someone and even then you can come up short. I wasn't even the best Quarterback in my state I may have been top 10 but I wasn't there. However, I am thankful.

I wanted to be a 3 to 4-year collegiate starting Quarterback, at whatever level I ended up at. That never materialized, starters remained, transfers arrived, COVID hit, I didn't reach my potential. There are countless reasons why statistically my college career never hit how I wanted it to. However, I am thankful. 

My play on the field was always solid, but it was never great. I did what I could for the team I played with in my skillsets, I was tough, and I was smart, but I never challenged myself to grow my skill set or abilities, not the way I could have or should have. However, I am thankful. 

Off the field is a completely different story. I was involved in all aspects of a team, I was an NCAA rep, I was a leadership council rep, I ran team social media, I recruited, and in this last chapter, I have begun coaching, officially. 

I was a leader, I would say an exceptional one at that. I stood by my teammates and my locker room at all costs. I challenged coaches, athletic directors, and even school principals. I worked with underclassmen, allowed them to grow while also encouraging them, I wanted to be someone they could believe in and rely on. I did anything and everything for any team I was a part of, the team always came first. For that I am thankful. 

I will never be a player on a team again, I will never be a player in a locker-room full of guys from all backgrounds brought together by one common goal and interest. I will have those guys for the rest of my life though, the friends, and family now that has come from just a sport. I am eternally thankful for them. 

Thankful, yes I am. What a journey it has been, I just highlighted what to some could feel like positives and some negatives. But, "what's meant to be, will be". I ended up at the most amazing university for me, one that without football, I would never have known existed. It has surrounded me with opportunities and people that will be with me for the rest of my life, people I love, and opportunities and experiences that changed my life. 

This first book in my life is coming to a close, it was 22 chapters of ups and downs, scene changes, antagonists and protagonists, reoccurring characters, cameos, cliffhangers, and disappointments, with a few sprinkled in happy endings. 

As my time in Ada comes to a close I know there are still final pieces to be settled, final pages to be finished. But I am thankful for this 3 stop light village, that was brought to me by football. 

I am excited about my next chapter, I can all but guarantee the scene will change, new characters will be introduced, old characters will become part of the past, opportunities and challenges will grow. All of these will be part of the sequel, one that I am now even more confident that I can handle, and help write. 

"What's meant to be, will be" But that doesn't mean you can't influence it, or change what you are meant for.

***Disclaimer: Every good story needs an epilogue*** 
TO BE CONTINUED